Aargh

I have got to stop checking my e-mail every three seconds. Agents will get back to me when they get back to me. Not before.

As noted on the progress bar, I'm up to 14000 words on Through the Portal. Not great, but not bad considering I spent over a month tearing my hair out on a short story. Oh, and I have those other shorts to write, too. I'm not going to let myself stress out over it, though. I'll keep chipping away at it--five hundred words here, two thousand there, a page or two between loads of laundry ... and before you know it I'll have a rough draft done. Right now I'm thinking it's not quite magic-y enough, but I figure I can add that in later. I tend to build my world around the characters instead of the other way around. Whatever works, right?

Conventionitis

Here's the list of cons I know I'll be attending:

WisCon (Memorial day weekend)
World Con (August 6-10)
Gen Con (August 14-17)

This will require I take two weeks off work in August. Oh, darn. Technically I can't ask for the time off until February but--fingers crossed--it shouldn't be a problem. I'm not above bribery attempts to make it happen.

I'd also like to attend World Fantasy Con in November, but we'll see. The above cons might tap out the whole vacation fund.

I've also got good news to share regarding Gen Con. I've been asked to sit on a few writing panels! I'm excited and nervous. Excited because it's a milestone of sorts; nervous because strangers will look at me like I'm a real writer. For now I'm going to try not to think about it lest I get too freaked out. I'll also be giving a reading, so I need to think about what I want to read.

A Writer's Conundrum

There are many aspects of the writing life that I didn't expect when I started writing seriously. How to think like a writer. What do to with all the ideas that flood your brain when thinking like a writer becomes second nature. The nuts and bolts of the craft. Meeting other writers and finally feeling like I belong somewhere. Finding mentors. Bonding with fellow rookies so we can make the journey less painful. Supporting your friends by buying and reading their work.

It's this last bit that's given me some trouble over the past four months or so.

Sometimes when you meet someone you know immediately that you'll be friends. Last year at Gen Con I met Pat Rothfuss. I found him to be warm, kind, intelligent, and funny. His first book had just been released and had been generating a good amount of buzz in the industry. His dust jackets carry some serious blurbage. I didn't care about any of that--I just knew that I wanted to be friends this guy with the funky beard that could laugh at himself and others with equal abandon. And of course I wanted to support him so I bought his book. I didn't get to it right away. And then I found out Pat had been nominated for a Quill Award. And his Amazon ranking was in the top 1000. Fans wrote him truly moving letters about what his book meant to them.

I read the prologue five times. I couldn't read any further. I wasn't that I didn't like it or that I didn't find it interesting. The dust-jacket blurb reeled me in further every time I read it. I wanted to read it. I wanted to love it. It took me a while to figure out why I couldn't get past the first page.

I'm a deep reader. What I mean by that is, I invest myself fully into a story or book or series. When I read Robert Jordan's books, I dream I can channel. When I read Harry Potter, I dream about meeting Voldemort face-to-face. When I read Scott Lynch I dream I'm con-artist; when I read Steven Brust I dream I'm a knife-throwing assassin; when I read Kelly McCullough I dream I can whistle in code. I laugh out loud. I cry. I tense up at the scary parts. My heart beats faster during sex scenes. I've been known to throw a book out of anger. I wonder what daemon my friends would have if we lived in Phillip Pullman's world. I've posted on message boards. I've written Steven King a fan letter.

And this is why I couldn't read Pat's book. I was afraid I'd like it too much. Somehow I couldn't reconcile being friends with Pat while being a geeky fan. I didn't want to idolize him. I wanted to be able to buy a round of drinks and talk about politics and pop culture and his blood fued with Anton Strout without thinking in my head, "Dude, you're sitting next to the guy who wrote The Name of the Wind." It bothered me, because let's face it, if I were any sort of friend at all I'd read the damn thing. But the nature of Pat's success coupled with my tendency to geek out over books I love ... well. The picture it conjured didn't look pretty.

Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I e-mailed Pat and told him my thoughts. He responded right away (and I paraphrase here): "What's wrong with being a fan and a friend? I don't have many of those." I'm not lying when I say it felt like I'd just gotten permission to love his book. And oddly, permission to hate it, as well.

I'm on Chapter Five. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Planetary alignment question

Is Jupiter in retrograde Capricorn or something? Okay, I have no idea what that meant, but listen to my day.

First thing this morning--I'm talkin' 7 a.m.--I had a periodontist appointment. I have a 12 mm pocket behind my distal #14 molar, and it had to be scraped clean and stitched down so the gum could reattach to my tooth. Good times. I told the doc I didn't need Darvecet and would just use ibuprofen. He gave me some amoxicillin and special mouthwash and sent me on my way.

So I finally get to work a little after 8 a.m. We had our computer upgrade yesterday and today was the first day for most people to work on the actual live system. Sure, we'd been working on the test side for months but it's just different when you're actually live. I'm the Superuser for Micro, and so it was pretty important that I be there. Then around 9 a.m. I got a phone call from Ken--when he started his car the cabin filled with smoke and so he didn't want to drive it. Could I take a long lunch so we could car shop? I got very lucky because we had extra people on hand for the upgrade and so I was able to leave work around 10 a.m. Ken drove a Saturn Vue, then we had lunch ....

.... where I tried to eat chunky soup in a bread bowl. No dice. I ate the soup without chewing and passed off the bread bowl to Ken. Mouth pain at a definite peak, so I popped more ibuprofen before we hit another car dealership ...

... where we spent four hours looking at two cars. The dealer let Ken bring home a Hyundai Sante Fe for the night. Ken's leaning towards the Saturn, but at least this way he'll have a way to get to work tomorrow.

When we got home, I found another agent rejection in my mailbox.

So. My mouth hurts bad enough that I can't eat solid food, we have to buy a car, I didn't get to the gym tonight, and I haven't written anything in three days. All I want to do is curl up under a blanket and suck on a piece of cake.

It must be the glue

What is it about sealing the envelope on an agent submission that makes the contents instantly suck?

Ah, hell. Word on the street is this agent responds quickly to partials. I'll know soon enough.

Nine hundred words today on Through the Portal. I think they all sucked, too.

*sigh*

Just received a rejection e-mail from the agent that had requested the partial.

It's pissing rain outside.

I want to stay home, bake a cake, snuggle under the covers, and watch television all night. But, no. Tonight I will go to the gym. And then I'll shower, bake a cake, sunggle under the covers, and watch television all night. How I Met Your Mother, Chuck, and Heroes, here I come.

I'm up to 2000 words on TtP. I'm nearly done with the first chapter. It's actually coming along rather nicely.

Sometimes efficiency sucks

You know what the worst thing about sending out a bajillion agent queries at once? You get four rejections in one day.

Talk about a funk. Buying new nail polish is not going to cut it tonight.

I could talk about how the current WIP is up to 1500 words (after two writing sessions!) but not even that is enought to cheer me up.

Return of the SASE

Got a form rejection from an agent a few days ago. No worries.

Tonight I begin the Fabulous New Book. Starting is the scariest part.

Vampire Academy--book review

I started Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead a few days ago and finished it this evening. I have that groggy, disoriented feeling that comes from spending the entire day in someone else's world. VA is a great read. While none of the revelations in the plot or the characters where much of a surprise, the ride was enjoyable. I particularly liked Mead's breeding rules among her three vampire races. There was lots of angst and romance.

On the downside, it made me feel like my writing doesn't measure up. Perhaps that's my submission angst talking.

Never fear. I feel the need to start outlining my next project. I've decided to shelve the AI/autism idea for now. I still love that premise and want to tackle it in the coming year, but right now I'm liking the whole witch school murder idea. I'm also thinking about reworking the trunk trilogy. So, three projects percolating.

As for the mundane SF short story ... eh. I'm so distracted by WFC and submitting right now that I'm just not motivated. I've started it twice with completely different approaches and nothing is flowing right. At least, not yet. Hopefully inspiration will strike this week.

Today while taking a break from reading I bought a set of four cute little halloween-theme OPI polishes. I'm actually kind of excited to try them out. There's just something about new make-up or nail polish that makes me all girly. Perhaps I'll paint my toenails black and adorn them with spiderwebs while I watch Illinois kick Michigan's ass.

Damn you, Y.

I say that with total love. The other night I stayed up waaaay past my bedtime to finish Cybermancy. I don't know much about the nuts-and-bolts of computers. I know even less about Greek mythology. Mixed together with smart-ass protagonists and familiars, though, I find that I'm okay with being oblivious. The plot's fast-paced but never confusing. There's romance and jealousy and sex. There are plot threads that could wind through the next books; those same threads don't weigh this book down. It's fun. I give it two thumbs up. Oh, and spoiler alert: I'm totally rooting for Tisiphone and Raven to get together.

Two more weeks to WFC. I'm excited and nervous all at once. I hope to send out the first agent queries this weekend. On your best behavior, people; you never know when there could be lurking agents.

I'm tryin' to breathe here, people.

I gave my pseudo-final draft of Stormy Weather to my fantastic non-writer beta reader on Friday night. Hopefully he'll get back to me in a week or so with his comments. Then it's the for-real final polish and then off to agent-land. In the meantime I should really work on agent letters and such today, start getting packets ready with SASE's and all that. You know, busy work that will take my mind off my rejection angst.

Soon, kids. Soon.

distractions II

Sunday: Mother-in-law dropped in for an impromtu visit

Monday: Cubs game at Wrigley

Tuesday: finish laundry and work out to schlep off food from the past week


Dear sweet baby Jesus, can I please get back to writing?!

Progress

Okay. No new rejections to report, but take a look at that progress bar. Woot! I've added lots of fleshy bits to the first three chapters and will start on the fourth tomorrow. I've read a few agent websites and blogs in preparation for the query process. Ahh! I'm nervous about the whole business, but oddly enough, writing seems to take the edge off it. Still, I would really like to not fail this time.

I would also like to make another sale, but that's a post for another day.

Now, I'm tired and hungry. A snack, a book, and a bed are in my immediate future.

British curses are cool

Watched Hot Fuzz tonight with Ken. I'll have to watch it a few more times to be sure, but it could be my New Favorite Movie. Good guys win, bad guys lose, there's a cool plot, it's funny, and there's great cursing with british accents to boot. What's not to love? Get thee to a video store and rent it forthwith.

On the writing front, I've thought of a few more teen ansty/plotty scenes to add. After I do that, I need to go through the draft, fill in more flava, flesh out a few plot points ... and then I'll be dangerously close to being done, I think. Dear sweet Jesus, I could actually query agents with this thing soon. I find myself thinking "No, no, it's not ready yet, I just need to do this... and this ... and this over here needs work..." and while all that might be true, at some point it's going to be less about polishing the manuscript and more about my rejection angst. Can't fail if you don't try and all that. I've been working on this book off and on for two years (I first thought of the idea at WFC 2005), doing hardcore writing for the better part of this year, and it would royally suck if it got nowhere. Sure, I've had positive feedback from several people ... ah, hell. I'm getting off the negative train right now. I'm gonna finish Stormy Weather, I'm gonna query dozens of agents, they're gonna fight over me, and one of them's gonna sell this puppy.

And then the question will be: what to write next? I had thought about going back to my "trunk trilogy," but now I think I'll leave those sleeping dogs lie. I'll work on some new short stories to throw out into circulation and the AI/autism thriller outline. Maybe another YA novel outline or something ... I dunno.

Gen Con 2007: Con report

Back from Indy. All the suitcases and such are in the house (but not unpacked), the cats are fed and watered, the mail has been sorted, and the comfy clothes have been donned. It is officially time for the report.

Wednesday
Ken and I arrived in Indy around noon-ish only to discover that Indiana is on EDT and not CDT. This change happened recently; up until a last year, Indiana didn't observe savings time, so during the winter they were an hour ahead of Illinois and the summer they were the same time. After setting our clocks ahead an hour and checking into the hotel, we bummed around the hotel a bit before meeting up with writerly types for dinner. Two of my writer friends (Paul Genesse and Anton Strout) have recently sold their first books, and so our shin-dig was a celebration of sorts, complete with gift bags, beads, and stuffed animals. Fun times. It was actually the first time I had met Anton Strout in person. He's a cool guy with a dry sense of humor that I dig. Anton's gritty urban fantasy drops in 2008. Can't wait to read it! I also met Patrick Rothfuss, whose first book just hit shelves four months ago or something. He's being described as "the next Scott Lynch" because his book is steamrollering the market with its awesomeness. I've not read it yet--in all honesty, I hadn't even heard of it--but I intend to read it shortly. Pat is the most down-to-earth, awesome guy. He looks like a russian dictator and laughs at my jokes, so he's tops in my book. I heart Pat. I also met Kathy Watness and Marc Tassin; they have stories in the Blue Kingdoms anthologies. Funny, nice, good people.
In other news, Elizabeth Vaughn--paranormal romance writer extrodinaire--gave me a copy
of Romantic times Books Reviews. There's a review of Pandora's Closet, and they mention my name. My name! In a magazine! And it's a favorable mention! A PDF copy will be forthcoming. Needless to say, I saw the review, acted cool for about two seconds, then bawled like a baby. I can't even describe the feeling. I thought holding the book in my hands made it real, but I was wrong; seeing the evidence that the book existed for other people, for strangers, really drove it home. I'm published, baby. I managed to pull myself together and not look at the magazine for the rest of the night.

Thursday
This was the actual first day of the convention. I ate lunch with a group of hometown friends. During the meal, one of them presented the group with toy riding horses (you know, the kind with the stick you straddle to "ride" it), "DORK" t-shirts, and little foam swords and shields. Total geek-fest fun. The group of us did True Dungeon, which is sort of a real-life D&D game. It was fun but overpriced; I probably won't do it again. After, I ate dinner, attended a few readings and then fell into bed.

Friday
This was my busiest day--after I left the hotel at around 10:00 a.m. I didn't return until almost midnight. I attended writing seminars, played poker, and ate dinner with Ken, Brad Beaulieu and Paul Genesse. After the evening readings I attended a round-robin reading of "Eye of Argon." Follow the link if you dare. It's really, really, bad and really, really fun to read out loud. We sat in a circle and passed around a printed copy of the story, reading out loud until we either laughed twice or read two pages. Next year we'll probably do a "laugh once or one page" rule; interpretive dance was also suggested. My god, it's horrific. But so much fun. And talk about an ego boost for a writer!

Saturday
I spent most of Saturday being nervous about my reading Saturday night. I attended a few seminars but most of the afternoon I surfed the Internet and practiced reading "Cake and Candy" out loud. I also bought a pair a dangle amber earrings to wear. I arrived for my reading early, interrupting a general writer Q and A panel. Apparently the audience hadn't been asking too many questions, because as soon as I sat down, Beth Vaughn said, "Hey! Kelly! Got a question?" I pointed to panelist Pat Rothfuss, who was dressed as ... a wizard? but he looked vaguely like a garden gnome... and said, "What's with the hat?" Laughter ensued and took the edge off my nervousness. Pat told me later he appreciated the joke. See? Cool guy. I heart Pat.
Around 15 people attended the reading. I shared a slot with Chris Pierson, who's a great, cool writer/game designer from Boston. I went first, and I actually did pretty well. I had inflictions, I made eye contact, I didn't cry. However, two or three people did tear up and one had to leave the room. I found out later that the flee-er had lost someone close to them in March, so their emotion was less about my writing and more about their own experience. That's how reading and writing is though, isn't it? The reader adds to what the writer has written. Anyway, I feel good that I didn't screw it up and I feel honored that my story touched people. As I joined Ken in the audience to listen to the next group of authors, Ken presented me with a pair of blue dangle earrings. We had seen them when we bought the amber dangles, but I rejected them because they were a bit pricey. Ken went back and bought them because they matched my eyes. I've got the best fucking husband in the world.
After the readings, Ken and I had drinks with Brad and Paul again. After that, Ken and I met up with one of our hometown friends and had more beer and food. Good times. I collapsed into bed at 1:00 a.m.

Sunday
Spent the morning packing and checking out of the hotel while Ken and a friend played a game. I watched a magician/entertainer from New Zealand perform his act in the Convention Center hallway. For his last bit he picked four people from the audience to perform a trick. I was one of them--apparently he had a thing for blondes. Anyway, for this trick, the four audience members had to sit on little camp chairs in a specific formation: each of us faced a different direction; the person behind me had his thighs perpendicular to the small of my back and my thighs were perpendicular to the girl in front of me's back, etc. We laid back, and once we were positioned, we raised our butts and the performer pulled the chairs out from underneath us. And we totally stayed there, like a human tabletop! It wasn't hard, but the kid behind me struggled a bit--he was a fourteen-year-old gamer, after all, and didn't have much in the way of muscle tone--but we stayed that way for probably 45-60 seconds before the dude put the chairs back. Good times. After, I strolled the exhibit hall, said goodbye to writer friends, bought cool but useless toys, and ate out one last time. I felt the need to purge, but other than that, it was a low-key day. Perfect end to the con.


And ... that's all. Tomorrow I have the day off--thank God--and I'm doing laundry and working on Stormy Weather. I haven't written anything since I turned in my ghost story over a week ago, and I'm getting a bit gitchy. During one of the seminars, one of the panelist said, "Plot is like a basketball game" and it totally hit home with me. You know how when teams just trade baskets or one team completely dominates the other, it's a bit boring? But when one team is up and then the other is ahead and then oh! there's a foul and then blammo! there's an injury and damn is this game close, it's much more interesting? Um, that's like plotting a novel. Who knew? SW, prepare yourself for greatness!

Oh, yeah, and one more thing...

Yesterday and today I went to my local booksellers and signed their copies of Pandora's Closet. Watching them slap the "authographed copy" sticker on the front gave me goose bumps. It's finally, really, truly, real.

On the edge of the euphoria, though, is the angst. What if I never sell another story? What if I write books that never get sold? What if a stanger never feels moved by the words I've written? What if a stranger never reads my words, period? What if this is it for me?

Those thoughts chill me, I'm not afraid to admit it. I want this to be a humble beginning, not the end.

new addition

Today I performed the masochistic task of counting all my rejections. All of them, dating back to early 2004, and including agent, trilogy, and short story rejections. The grand total is 50. That's it! 50! Granted, 25 of those have been from the last year or so, but still. I've not been working hard enough. It's possible, too, that I've not kept them all.

Note the new, nifty "Reject-O-Meter" progress bar at left. It was Ken's idea. I figure when I reach 100 I'd like to do nice, big, reward. Like apply to Clarion Writing Workshop or go on the Maui Writer's Conference cruise or something fantabulous like that. Coincidentally, Ken and I celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary next year ... mayhap we could wrap the two trips into one.

I suspect, though, that I'll reach 100 way before that. Because, you know, I'll be querying like 100 agents in about two months.

ocd

So I just finished re-reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Before, I was 100% sure that Harry was the last Horcrux and that he'd have to die in order for Voldemort to be killed. There's reasoning behind my theory, and if you want to hear it, I'll be happy to debate it in the comments. It's just that, after a fresh reading, I'm only about 90% sure. Basically, it comes down to this, I think: as readers, how much faith should we put into what the characters believe? Should we assume that Dumbledore is infallible because everyone else has? And just how do we know Voldemort tried the killing curse on Harry? Sure, sure, everyone says that's what Voldemort did, and even Voldemort himself says that's what happened, but ... if that happened, someone had to have seen it happen. Who was that someone? And do we trust that someone to tell us the truth? And if Voldemort indeed made Harry the last Horcrux, would he blab that information to even his closest followers?

Ah, hell. Next week we'll know.

Happily, I was able to read Half-Blood Prince without line-editing it. Did I think about how I would have done X, Y, and Z differently? Sure. But I still enjoyed the book, and for that I'm grateful.

In other news, today I got a rejection from Jim Baen's Universe for "Last Man Standing." Five-day turn-around on that baby. Though, the rejection did say "Please feel free to send us anything else you'd like," which I took as a good sign. And I have six weeks or something to write a ghost story. And a second draft of Stormy Weather to finish. Ah! Pressure! It's actually enough to make me stop obsessing about HP.

Rewardville

I bought the new Bon Jovi and Stone Sour CD's today. Poke fun if you must.

I just started listening to the Stone Sour one. The first song sounds like a Metallica rip-off. Hopefully it becomes more original soon.

The Stormy Weather progress bar looks misleading. I've done a lot of cleaning and rearranging. I'm working on the climax now, which will actually take the better part of the weekend since I have to work. Once I'm through with that, I'm going to go through each chapter and see what I can add here and there. I figure if I add 500-1000 words to each chapter I can bump up my word count to where it needs to be. Fingers crossed.

This and that

Last night I went to see "Knocked Up" with some friends of mine. I loved it! Full of cursing and crude jokes and a prosthetic vagina. The pink-eye scene is hysterical. Besides all the horsing around, the writing was good and the characters were all awesome. The dude who plays Marshall on "How I Met Your Mother" has a role and he's frickin' hilarious. I've always been a fan of Paul Rudd, and his performance didn't disappoint. He's like a younger John Cusack. If you're not going to be offended by hearing "fuck" approximately 1,547 times, go see it. I'd pay to see it again. Afterwards we drank wine and ate appetizers at a wine shop. Good times.

Today Ken and I bought a new scale. Apparently our old one under-weighed us by about 9 pounds. Yeah, it sucks. More exercise and less food for us. I refuse to give in.

I haven't written much this week. I need to sit down with a note book, answer some questions about my characters, and dissect my plot to see how I can make things worse for each of my characters. One of my readers agreed that the story had good bones but needed more meat. A project for the weekend.